Shaken

The news of Marit's accident has shaken me so seriously to my core. At this moment I do not care what bones of hers are broken, I am so grateful she and Elizabeth are alive. I don't know what happened down at Camp HTFU last month but I feel like we are damn sisters.

I know Marit and I will be talking soon, I just want to catch you at a quiet time when things have settled.

A few years ago I was a "survivor" of a horrific bike accident. I used to ride with Dr. Les and the Tuesday TNT group on Tuesday mornings. I am a self admitted crappy drafter, so I'd hang back about 10-15 yards from the group. They were all experiences cyclists, some had TT bike,s some had road, so to keep things safer I just held back.

One day in may, there was a crash. I can still hear them all hitting the ground.

Les crossed wheels with someone.

Everyone was thrown all over the place. My friend Cindy was laying motionless on the ground. Out of eight I think 2 of us did not go down. Less was in a heap.

I got to Less and rolled him over, it was clear he was broken. Very clear. I held his head still and I choked back tears as Johnathan called 911. I didn't even know where they were. As I spoke to Les I looked to Cindy who was still motionless.

I was so scared.

I am an ED nurse, but at least when you come to me you are in my environment. Out here I was terrified.

It only took 10 minutes but it felt like 80, the ambulances arrived. I don't remember what happened after that.

Les can't ride to this day. We swim together and I know how he misses the open road. Cindy was all right as well and she's still riding.

Broken bones heal. Spirits heal as well.

But nothing has ever erased my memory of that day.

In the movies when people crash and fall it is in slow motion, hell there's even music.

In real life..... it's immediate. It's over before it happened. What I will never be able to overcome is the sound of them all hitting the ground.

And the feeling of why I was not hurt. Why not me..... why Les? It's a strange survivor like feeling, a feeling of guilt. You were spared but you are not sure why. The one who was injured didn't deserve this all, but why did you deserve to be all right???? They are the better person. They have bigger guts and the most perseverance.

It's a feeling of guilt I will never shake as I swim 2 mornings a week with my friend Les. To sometimes see him still in pain as I continue on the journey without interruption.

I think of Marit a lot during the day. Her fighting spirit, her tenacity. I also think of Elizabeth too. Because i know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to be spared. It feels like luck + guilt + destiny. Like there is a lesson to learn and we might not be sure what it is. But we are a little more careful from then on in.

Stay the course sisters. We'll get there.