Why

I just took a look at my schedule of training for the week and it thrilled me to the bone. I am well aware to the non Ironman fanatic that this might seem a bit much. Heck, my life to most is a bit much. But you know what I long for? I long for someone to just get it. I long for someone to just take it as it is.

People believe that I am not able to rest. That I am not able to lie on the couch and watch TV, that I have a complete inability to put my feet up. That my head is swirling a thousand times a minute and I just can not stop.

I don't even try to explain it. This is my life. This is what I do. I am an athlete. I LOVE TO TRAIN. A 2 hour run for someone who does not train as much as I do is going to sound completely insane. A 2 hour run for someone who has trained 15-20 hours per week for the better part of 10 years, it is a walk in the park.

A 2 hour run is not at mach speed. It's at e pace. It's like walking easy for walkers. I can do it when I am sick. I can do it when I am well. Because I am a superstar? No! Because I am accustomed to it. My body is used to it. It does not hurt to run two hours.

It used to. It used to hurt a whole heck of a lot.

But fitness is an interesting thing. It is bankable. It is progressive. It has cycles. There are peak weeks and there are recovery weeks where the body absorbs the heavy load. The people who are out there grinding out the same week, same workouts, same intensity all the time without a proper progression are the ones who get hurt, the ones who get burned out and the ones who don't make progress.

I am a thrill seeker. I love the excitement of the gun firing. I love the energy of running into a shark infested ocean with 2000 people. I love the feeling of jumping on my bike and riding with my heart on the handlebars. It strips away the layers, it strips away my story.

It puts me face to face with me.

I love running stride by stride with someone and never saying a word.

I love in my yoga practice when I can feel the energy of the people around me. Like our breath is one breath. Like our movements are one movement. Like the joy and the pain and the ups and the downs are combined into one.

It puts me face to face with me.

It's not a form of self sabotage. If I can't do it, I don't. It's a form of therapy. I think a bout a lot during these miles. I create during these miles. I spend time with me during these miles. And I dream about a lot during these miles.

So what is my dream?

My dream is always the same. The last 30 seconds of every single race. Especially the Ironman.

In the Ironman the finish line looks packed with people in stands on either side of me. It's my very own red carpet. I can see the hands waving, I slap hands as I run down the chute, I feel the excitement, I relish in the energy.

But each time I hear nothing. And it always happens in slow motion for me.

It is my moment of glory. The moment that answers the questions … am I fit enough? Am I strong enough? Do I believe enough in me? Can I stand on my own feet and can I completely occupy my own skin and love what I feel?

What do I have inside of me and am I willing to be torn completely apart to find out?

Do I have that much courage?

It brings to light the moments during the year of preparation…… the rides in sub zero temperatures, the runs on pure ice. The workouts that have been so hard and so hot that my cloths get strewn all over the lawn and I lay in a bathtub of ice and I love what I feel.

What do I feel? The absolute purest most vivid feeling of being alive.

I admit, sometimes people can find that by reading a book. Some people can find that by going for a walk. I can actually do that as well.

But nothing, absolutely nothing can make me feel every inch of myself like a finish line.

It's been in the pool, on a bike, and through trails and woods and streets that I have found everything I have needed to find in my life. I have found friends. I have found enemies. I have fallen in love, I have had my heart shattered out here and then I have gotten up and done it all over again. I have found sisters and brothers that I was not born with. I have found solitude and quietness in my brain. I have dreamt big dreams and I have let go of unfulfilled ones. I have found health and I have even found illness. I have at times tried to outrun illness. And then I have found my way back again.

So this is my life. This is who I am. I am not running away from someone I wanted to be, I am not running towards someone I want to be. I am not running from a problem or running for an answer.

I am stretching out my arms holding my head back and I am screaming as loud as I can.

I know that makes me scary.

I would rather be thought of as someone who frightens people and someone who lives big and someone who is willing to risk her heart, risk her body and risk her soul. Than be thought of someone who had…. potential.

I am not sorry for that. There are those who can't take it and they run. And there are those who can just take all of me and love me no matter what.

NO MATTER WHAT.

I can not remember how the quote goes exactly or who it is by but here is what I truly, absolutely and whole heartedly believe……

"When I die I do not wish to arrive at the gates in a pretty white dress with my hair perfect. I wish to skid in by my back wheel, bloodied and bruised to the bone screaming …… WOW……… what a ride."