Mini Mussel Race Report

Today I got to participate in one of my favorite events.... Musselman weekend. With a good solid race this morning. It's a race that if I didn't have an Ironman in 8 days.... I believe I could have won. But 2 amazing gals had better days and I am so proud of them! I earned 3rd overall and I have to say that Jeff Henderson gives some of the best schwag out there as prizes, plus cool prizes themselves!

Nothing remarkable happened out there... I swam well, I biked well and I ran well. I kept it at a pace that I define as hard but comfortable. When I was passed by a a woman on the run I started to attack and I heard my good friend Joey call to me.... "Don't blow Placid! Don't blow Placid!" and I agreed. I backed off and cheered her on.

The hometown crowd was so amazing that I almost cried during T1 and T2 and at the finish. Because I won't bring Luc through the IM finish line with me next week, he ran through with me today..... and it was awesome.

Now the glitch of the day happened before the race at registration. At long distance races there are often weigh - ins..... this is for the medical team. If you get pulled into the medical tent for whatever reason they will weigh you. It's their way of estimating your fluid shift. Too much weight lost or gained.... which is really fluid and that will determine your treatment.

Today there was a weight in for the Mini Mussel. Not a big deal. At 5am I weighed 145 pounds. I am a bigger athlete but I am comfortable with that weight. I am also 5'11" and my body fat is less than 15%.

When I stepped on their scale at 7am she said "155". And I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Then I felt sad that this part of me was still there. STILL THERE. It seems that each time Ironman comes around for some reason I have to again deal with the issue of my past eating disorder. I've been recovered for 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS and it bothers me more than anything that that feeling can come back at any given moment.

Now..... I didn't gain 10 pounds in 2 hours. There were bathroom scales that 500+ people had stepped on the day before. Last fall at IMFL I weighed 15 pounds heavier at the race site. Which launched me into a tizzy until I found a scale that confirmed I did not.

But when you have a disorder like this, as big as mine was..... it can just come back in an instant. Was my scale incorrect? No. I have 2. When I returned home this afternoon both scales confirmed I was still.... 145. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at myself for even checking.

Unless you've been through this, it is hard to understand. It's just a number. It's a head game. It's the devil of doubt that sits on my shoulder and taunts me. Every single day I have to work on my recovery. There are steps I take every single day and I took them today.

Still in an instant that can come back.

I was very sick for 10 years. The length of my recovery in now longer than the length of time I was sick. My recovery began when I was 20. So it's been a while. Long enough that I want complete freedom.

It scares me that so quickly those old thoughts and feelings can return. It reminds me that my recovery continues to be one day at a time.

I badly want to be one of those people who says..... gosh oh gee...... I just don't get those eating disordered people.... I mean I eat what I want ..... and they think they are fat but they aren't......and blah blah blah blah..... believe me I want to be one of those people. Those people believe that what this is truly about is weight.

It is not.

Eating disorders begin with weight. But they morph into something much much much deeper. It's unexplainable. It's individual. But the disorder becomes the drug in a way.

I am bothered by the fact that it still sits close by. Like I could pull it off a shelf. I want it to be buried. At the same time it is a good reminder that especially this week.... a week of light volume and a hefty appetite..... that I need to focus on my recovery even more. Because I will bring the scale with me, and I will step on the Ironman scale on Thursday. And I can't let numbers affect me.

I have months of logs, months of data, months of weight tracking, months of hard work that say I am ready to go. I will not allow a three digit number on one day ruin all of that. Which is also another example of the complexity of the Ironman.

Many things will be thrown at me on Sunday. Rolling with each punch is mandatory. Harping and focusing on numbers, negative thoughts, etc., that has no place in the long day of Iron. Allowing things to bounce off me, maintaining my even keel and smiling just like I always do..... that's what will being me the finish line.