doghouse

In some ways this is the worst Christmas of my life. Then I think back to growing up and I realize.... hell no there were Christmas Days that sucked so much worse.

It's true that you can't pick your family, but you can always create your own. I suppose I have always been somewhat of a black sheep in this clan. Maybe it's because from age 10-20 I battled and battled and battled an eating disorder that almost took my life.... and in all honesty my brother and sister did just about everything they could to perpetuate that eating disorder..... while my parents did everything they could to stop it.

Perhaps because I am just different. If Christmas were my way we'd all be sledding down a hill right now or playing twister... but here at the Taj Mahal of my parents house Twister might mess something up and well sledding.... too cold.

There's nothing wrong with my siblings, they are much more cultured than I am. In fact it was a surprise when I showed up in my new winter coat.... it isn't black??? They couldn't believe it. Then..... oh my gawd I got bangs..... call the fashion press Mary has changed something.

In all fairness to them they believe that all I care about it the Ironman, and truthfully I have never done anything to straighten that out. I don't care about the Ironman (well, yes I do).... I love being active and I love to be outside.

They prefer to be drinking wine. Who is wrong? No one really.

My sister accidentally broke my nephew's drum. Sister 32 years old, nephew 2. As she sat and promised my 8 year old son (who has some pretty big developmental delays) a life of candy and fun in Paris.... where she lives.... and had him fully believing he'd be living a better life with her... beginning tomorrow...... (which I am going to have to pull a screaming 8 year old from the house tonight who doesn't understand she was kidding)..... forgive me for being a little snide and ratting her out to the 2 year old.

Enter World War Three.

You know how sisters can be. Especially ones who don't know what it is like to raise a child with some special needs. Who haven't had to battle for their life, who have pretty much lived the Princess life with the biggest obstacle being.... learning French.

And of course... this is me pissed and this is my side of the story.

But I have been in this position before and while I sit here being the one no one is speaking to at this moment.... while the living room is full of laughter and stories of Paris..... I finally feel some freedom.

I don't have to go back and try to make things right. I don't have to go back and try to patch things up and try to build relationships that have never existed. My brother and I have never had a good relationship and in the past 14 years years I guess we have tried to build one.... we are just different people.

I think about where I would rather be right now.... I can think of eight different places. Anywhere with Curt and Luc. With them on a beach in Hawaii drinking with Rachel. With them arriving at Marit's house because I know Luc would marvel at the biggest cat ever.

Driving through snow to Jen's or Liz's house where there would be laughter over.... I could think of a hundred things and no, they wouldn't necessarily have to do with triathlon.

I'd rather be running with Ashley in South Carolina listening to her Mom sing. I'd rather be hanging out with Leslie and listening to her husband and Curt connect. I can just see my sister and brother thinking I'd want to be out running with Ashley for running. What they don't' get is that it would be about spending time with friends, seeing the world differently than in museums and sightseeing tours. It's my way.

I'd rather be with the people I truly consider to be my family..... Amanda, Wendy, Mandy and the rest of my Breathe family.... hell my Peds Ed family.....

It's true that you can't pick your family. I have spent many years trying to build relationships with them... and they just don't' exist. So maybe this Christmas I can finally agree to disagree. To just realize that we are all different people who ended up under the same roof. I adore my mother and father but my siblings.... we just have nothing in common. And you know what? That's okay. I can't build something on nothing.

I look forward to class tomorrow to spend 75 minutes with people I consider to be amazing. I actually can't wait to get to work to hug my colleagues. I can't wait until Saturday morning swimming relays.

As I have encountered some frightening health scares this year. And who did I rely on? Wow..... not my sister, not my brother, not even my parents. The people who knew, the people who supported me, who sat with me while I was sick and enduring the worst of my life.....

Were the people I chose to surround myself with. Who understand that life is more than wrapped gifts and who got what. Life is bigger. Life is better. Life is far richer than all of that.

Life is about spending time with people. Life is about living. Not about faking it and not about fighting. So tonight when I leave all of this behind I will leave with a deeper understanding of family. A deeper understanding of love. And a deeper understanding of who I am.

Now that..... perhaps is the greatest gift I have ever gotten. Learned the hard way of course..... but that's the way I learn it best.