Cracking

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

Thanks Sarah for the above quote. I love it!

"You are never supposed to crack." Coach T said to me, as I asked if there should be a point that I would. Okay, I thought, good, because I didn't. But I was close.

Yes that was me standing on Main Street on Tuesday morning. Sports bra and skirt, fuel belt on the ground. Drenched in sweat. Seeing stars. It was Equator hot. I held onto a street sign for a moment unsure of whether I would vomit or shit myself. But since shitting oneself has already been done in amazing style this week, I thought I would put a halt to all bodily functions.

It wasn't like I had never done a run like this before, but for some reason today I was on the edge of cracking. So I stood there a moment while the cars drove past me and I held on until I could walk the 20 feet to the car.

I was asked by a few people the other day how it is that I am not afraid to state my goals. It takes nothing special, I told them..... I think you just have to have the guts to succeed and fail.

In 2004 I won the inaugural Musselman 1/2 Ironman in a 4:48. I have struggled with the 70.3 distance ever since. I don't know why, I think I have just been in my own way.

Then I returned to Ironman and I achieved my lifelong goal of a sub eleven hour finish and I want to have at that chance one more time. I will return and go after that 70.3 distance once again. I have some demons with that distance that I need to conquer.

First things first however......

When I run these days I think of four numbers as I land each foot. One - zero- four- five. It's the number I have been dreaming of since December. Now whether that comes true or not depends on what the day brings, and I take the day as it comes. In moments of weakness or doubt chanting that number brings me back to what I am doing and where I am at.

I wear a bracelet that says FEARLESS. It's a word and a concept I have wrapped myself around. I will be fearless as I toe this starting line in 7 weeks. I will be fearless as I chase this goal. I will be fearless as I put myself on the edge and on the verge of cracking.

That in itself is freedom. Freedom to reach. Freedom to aim. Freedom to fail but also freedom to succeed.

It's nothing special... it's just being honest with myself.

On Tuesday morning I didn't crack but I was damn near it. And I was not afraid of it. In a sick and strange way I was disappointed that I didn't. I have never cracked like I thought I was about to. Would I have really shit myself? Would I have laid down on the sidewalk? In the sickest way I wonder what lies just beyond that edge. I have gotten close enough to look over but I have never seen it.

But since I am not supposed to crack.... I didn't. And Marit, for the record I am totally ignoring your taunts for IMCDA 2009! HA HA!