an eggers family christmas

As I sat last night with Luc, about to go to bed, I tried to explain people to him.

"I'm not going to Paris?" he asked, as his Aunt taunted him with on Christmas Day. "I'm not going to ride the Polar Express?"

"No Luc, she was just kidding." I told him.

"Why was she kidding?" He asked me. "Doesn't she want to take me there?"

"She probably would like to take you there." I told him. I won't tear apart a family member in front of Luc no matter what. No matter what. I tried to tell him she was telling him like it was a dream of hers.

"Is a dream the same thing as a lie?" He asked me. "Because if she wasn't going to take me, then she told a lie."

I could not disagree with it. I just simply had to say I didn't know. He wouldn't understand what egocentrism meant.

This afternoon we had the same conversation. He asked if he had done something wrong and was that why he wasn't going to ride the Polar Express to France. I assured him that wasn't the case.

"Does she think I am stupid?' he finally said. My blood boiled at the same time my heart cracked.

"No." I told him. "She does not think you are stupid." My eyes had tears in them. This is the very thing I worry about. This is the very feeling I want to shield him from. To have been caused to feel that from my own sister.

Unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable.

As we sat together and he read me a book...... I thought about it.

"Luc." I said to him. "Would you like to redo Christmas?" One look and that smile was the answer I needed.

I thought about it some more. Curt thought the idea was great. So there you have it.

I am redoing Christmas 2008. Sunday. Sunday will be Christmas. Again. And this time we are going to get it right.

There are always rules when we attend a function at the Taj Mahal, so I have decided that our Christmas will have it's very own set of rules.

1. You can either kick your shoes off at the door, or hell, let's be wild, wear them in the house.

2. My dog will not be crated or left in a car. She may lick you and she may nip at your toes.

3. There will be music and it will likely be the Barenaked Ladies or Sarah M., Lifehouse..... and of course a little Adam Sandler.

4. You can spill your drink, we will just clean it up.

5. The only gifts allowed are homemade gifts. Nothing may be store bought except supplies. Your gift must have a meaning. I don't care if it is an ornament, a paper weight, or a thing. You must make it and it must come from your heart.

6. Dress warm our house is 62 degrees. We will warm it up with the fireplace.

7. The television will not be on. Entertainment is the form of an HO train, the puppy, or the next rule.

8. There will be outside adventure. You can sled in the back yard, you can snowshoe, but there will be an outdoor adventure.

9. You do not have to clean your plate to enjoy dessert.

10. We will be playing TWISTER.

I am busy planning the menu:

Brine Turkey Breast
Stuffing
Cranberry relish
Pomegranate Salad
Some kind of veggie.

For dessert..... I don't quite know that yet.

Christmas is a time of family, it is a time of home. Our home is here and I want Luc to have memories of his home and the quirky things his family did. I want him to remember playing TWISTER and determining how many people can fit onto the super sled and fly through the backyard. I want him to remember Cocoa with Antlers on. I want him to remember sitting around the tree and playing with the train.

I want his memories of Christmas at home to be filled with warmth as he's studying for finals in college someday. I want him to board that plane home with thoughts of happiness as he comes home to a house smelling of cookies and burnt turkey. I want him to remember Christmas as homemade gifts and by then he should have a good set of 10 at least!

This morning I stood outside of the house at 3:30am next to a car that wouldn't start crying. I just felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Curt took me by the shoulders and said to me....

"Mary.... it's just a car." And he was right. (It started later in the day). It was just a car. What a statement right when I needed it.

I spent the morning at work in Peds ED where we were not surrounded by patients for once, but surrounded by Toys. Toys to last us through the year. When you come to Peds ED you get a bear or something to make your stay a little bit better and we prganized bears and dolls and games and trucks..... and I thought to myself THIS is Christmas.

People went out of their way to give to our Pediatric Emergency Dept. People went out of their way to buy a few things that were not for them. We stood there together, as a strange Peds ED family, a neat little team and we smiled. I thought to myself THIS is Christmas.

One of our nurses is battling Malignant Melanoma. She's one of my dearest friends. She stopped by with half her face cut off and I still thought she looked beautiful. She told me she'd rather look like Frankenstein than be dead. And she's fighting for her life.

As we hugged this morning, I thought.... THIS is Christmas.

When I came home and the boys were flying a remote control helicopter inside, and the dog was barking up a storm, the house felt warmer than it ever had. There was gift wrapping still on the floor. We all went for a walk. There was plenty to laugh about and plenty of hugging to go around. And I thought.... THIS is Christmas.

Can't think of the last time my brother or sister hugged one another (in laws..... always).

So Sunday we will have a Christmas redo. We will leave cookies and milk once again, I have placed a call to Mr. Claus and explained the situation. I explained that I only have one life and every Christmas counted. I told him that I F**** up Christmas and I declared a redo. I told him I'd never F*** it up again. I would just make better choices. Whatever the cost, whatever the price, I was declaring this redo and I needed his help.

He told me not to worry, that he would come through. But no presents, just homemade gifts, he'd eat the cookies and drink the milk and bless upon us what we missed......

Love and warmth and the connection that only a family can bring.

But first, there is Saturday and the Christmas Relays. There will be push ups and swimming and laughing. There will be friends and craziness all around. And I already know what thought will go through my head....

Now THIS is Christmas!