the bear cage

This morning I stepped into the bear cage for a six month stay. I locked the door behind me and I threw the key away. I then declared that in November at the finish line of Clearwater..... one of us gets to emerge. If I were a betting girl I would be betting on me.

I just might have the Bear's fur in my teeth but he's taken enough bites outta me.

Six months is a long time to spend in a small cage with a bear. There is a lot to be learned in this cage. From raw animal fight to strategery in ducking the swinging of his paws. From resting when he's sleeping to pushing through when I want to give up. He's got a lot of lessons within him, as do I.

Some days I will eat the bear..... and some days the bear will eat me.

But one of us gets to come out in November.

On tap for this week is 6 easy hours. Talk about what I don't want to hear. I want a good solid 20 hour ass kicking week. But we won't go there until the fall.

"Keep the cat in the bag this week." Said Coach. "Monday morning be ready to hit it spot on."

I listened to the plan as it was laid out before me. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I took notes, I prepared for our next conversation on Wednesday with my list of homework assignments.

"Trust me, 6 hours this week." Trust you? Oh believe me I do. It's what makes me such a coachable athlete. My college swim coach always said I was his most coachable athlete. In a letter of recommendation he wrote me this:

"most coachable athlete I have ever coached. She puts her head down and does her work without asking why. An amazing team player with focus and the ability to follow directions and trust a plan." I was never the home coming queen, so I don't have those photographs to post on my wall...... so I have that letter.

So when Coach asked me if I had any questions I told him "No sir." He won't get many questions out of me. I trust the plan.

Jesse will be the first coach I have worked with who didn't know me beforehand. The few coaches I have worked with knew my story, the eating disorder....... so I had to go through the story. Tried to keep it simple.

How do you go through a story like mine.... with the 2008 addition of health issues..... and convince someone you aren't a head case? You don't. They will make their own assumptions. Rather than be ashamed of my story I have become proud of it. All that..... and I am still here.

Nine lives my ass.

This morning in the pool, the bear took a bite and he won. Bear .... 1 point, Mary..... zero points. There will be a lot of days like that. He will take more bites out of me, and I have a feeling the bites I take back are few and far between. As I learn what I need to learn and do what I need to do there will be days where I hold him by the neck and say "Down boy! DOWN!". While I will savor those, I will move forward knowing the next bite is coming when I least expect.

This bear represents everything I am afraid of, and everything I truly am. What's your bear? What brings you to the surface? What ignites that raw animal instinct within, what forces you to have the most honest look at yourself, what is the one thing that you are committed to staying in the fight for?

For all of us it is different. Different story and different character. Identify it. Give it an image, don't let it be elusive like the black smoke monster in LOST, who shows up every now and then......... give it a name, an image, get into the cage with it. Spend a good six months in the cage, with no way out but on your own.

And let's see what happens.