the urge

It happens when you've taken a proper off-season. You wake up in the morning in a sea of unstructure. Only faced with the challenge of no zeros for the week. You begin to reach for it again.

The season behind you is finally behind you. With all of it's glory and so much of it's heartbreak. Those are the lessons that make us stronger. We learn from tripping more than we learn from never falling down. Smiles replace tears as you recount what you remember of the concussion. The dazed and confused feeling finally shaken. The sorrow and grief of a life you loved so briefly healing. Slowly healing.

While I heard the rain falling on the roof I looked out the window and through the grey skies and the cold air I saw beauty. Leaves of all colors. Many on the ground. The inviting road. I don't' care how cold it is..... the road always seems to call me.

One bike on the trainer.... one still in the box..... another lent to a friend. Biking? Not just yet. I want to run. So I ran.

Just because I dream of the sun doesn't mean that wearing a skirt and a t shirt is warm enough when the thermometer reads 42 degrees. Then again, maybe it is? My first run back felt nothing short of glorious. It reminded me that the bad days remind me to treasure the good days.

What I treasure most however is the feeling. The feeling of beginning again. Yes it was hard this year but if it were easy would I even be here? Would it awaken that spirit within me that wants to know .... if I have what it takes?

I treasure the feeling of privilege, because this ability and how I define it is a privilege and not a right. I choose to do this, I was not drafted into any event. I choose to sign up with my own free will. Reminding myself of that makes it all feel richer. All feel sweeter.

I remember the excruciating pain I experienced after my bike crash on September 11th. I remember how hard it was to walk. I remember tears in Curt's eyes as he watched the train wreck finally happen.

I know that day happened for a reason. There were a lot of lessons to be learned this season and I will not forget them, even though they might not be defined today. I still learned and I still grew. I still was able to answer the call as to why I am even on this path to begin with.

I am here because I can be. I am here because I want to be. I am here because of those moments in training or in racing..... those moments when it becomes that hard. It becomes so hard that I begin to think....... help...... help...... help.

And then I realize one important thing. That help..... is not on the way. That this comes from me, a place deep within me. The place that wonders what if, the place that wonders if I can, if I have it anymore, if I am over or if I am just beginning again. I find that feeling of beginning again and I realize the person I think I am is no match for the one I truly am.

In 2002 I puked through 13 miles of Ironman Lake Placid. Curt would ride his mountain bike about 100 yards in front of me and clap as I stumbled by. He'd ride ahead again and clap while I stumbled by. I remember asking him to help me. Please anyone help me.

He smiled and he kept clapping. He said a very important thing to me. He said:

"Suck it up buttercup."

By not helping me he helped me. By not giving in he gave to me. By not allowing me empathy he made me find strength.

Remember ....... do not ever forget...... our sport is a metaphor for our life. Remember the first time you ran one mile and thought it was your last? Then you did it again. Then 2 then 3. remember that first contraction when you had your baby? You thought the world would end but you endured another and then another. Remember when you were rejected for a job or a relationship or (insert your experience here)....... and you kept coming back, kept looking, kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Because eventually..... eventually the steps would form a walk. And the walk formed a run. Somewhere in the midst of that run you felt it unlock inside of you. Like a gate was opened and you were set free. In this experience you learned what you couldn't' learn in Psychology 101.

You learned that you are never afraid to try. You learned you are not afraid to fail. You learned that failing happens, but losers never even try. You realized instantly which one you were.

You learned that you already.... right this very moment.... have everything you have ever needed in your life. The external goals....... were already inside of you. So you turned on the light and you let them shine out.

So you keep your shine on. Shine it brightly.

Remember..... it all begins with an urge.