Crossroads

I am currently in a 2 day class to renew my Pediatric Advanced Life Support Certification. We call it PALS. Mine actually expired a year ago and when my new nurse manager realized this (I didn't even pay attention, my bad) she did what any great nurse manager would do.... she suspended me. Now mind you I work one night a week, so a 2 week suspension was met with cheer! That was signal number one.

Signal number two came today. As I walked towards the Big House (Strong) my heart felt heavy. For eight hours I would be buried behind walls and get tested on every skill known to man. They have completely changed the way they do this course and it sucked.

So there I was standing at skills station #3, the Team Leader of a Pediatric code. Michael from the Adirondacks was my tester, as he was the last time. We talk a lot about Saranac and Lake Placid, it's where he is from. He's terrific.

"Okay Mary do you suspect Cardiogenic shock or hypovolemic shock?" He asked me. And I looked at him. Although I knew the answer, I recognized the signs, and had been able to lead the code very effectively until this point......... I wanted to say to Michael ask me if I care.

"Hypovolemic" I correctly stated.

It's not that I am not intelligent enough. It's not that I don't have the credentials. It's not that I don't love being a nurse. It's not that I don't enjoy the 4-8 hours I do it a week.

I just want to be on the other side. I don't want to be cleaning up the mess. I want to be preventing the mess.

So as I was leaving the big house and making my way to Afghanistan where I park..... I turned around and looked at The Big House. I have been there only 7.5 years. I became a nurse here. I gave birth here. My son's heart was stopped and started here. I feel like I owe a debt of gratitude to this sprawling mass of buildings and the people inside.

"Strong isn't going anywhere" Bill told me that last week. Maybe he is right.

So as I was standing there and people walked by me, wondering why I was staring back at the big house. I thought "What would you rather do Mary?"

Visions of the Train-This personal training studio flashed into my mind. Where I would be helping people get healthy and avoid coming here. I dreamt of being on my bike in the sun, I dreamt of being in yoga class, either teaching or taking......

I dreamed of continuing to work for myself rather than swiping in and swiping out.

So I said it. I set the deadline.

After Ironman Florida I will take a new path. A path that has been building for three years. The Train-This path. I have to see what I can do, or I will forever wonder...... what if?

:-) Mary Eggers