It's the night before Ironman and we are having so much FUN! Panama City Beach in the off-season is the FUN season for spectathletes (thanks Liz for that term!!!!). I have run into so many people..... what a small world. Danni is here as well and Marit arrives tomorrow.
Tonight we forced Curty to go back to the hotel while Luc and I had an entire Go Kart, Haunted House and Golf range to ourselves!
A run on the beach this am..... a swim at the aquatic center...... I may never come home again!
As long as I am with family I swear I can call anyplace home.
His feet are up. He is ready and I am so very excited. It's been a long time since his last Ironman. He's ruled short course and I am crossing my fingers that he hits his potential tomorrow.
Curt is READY!
Friday, October 31, 2008
It's the night before Ironman and we are having so much FUN! Panama City Beach in the off-season is the FUN season for spectathletes (thanks Liz for that term!!!!). I have run into so many people..... what a small world. Danni is here as well and Marit arrives tomorrow.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thanks for all the well wishes..... rememebr CURT is racing.... not I!!!!! WOO HOO!
Funniest statement made while traveling with Luc today: it was made while we were walking through the Atlanta airport. Each time Luc sees a pilot he must approach and say hello. One kind pilot asks Luc "Where are you going today?"
"Starbucks." He answers. "My Mom really likes Starbucks.
Arrival in Panama City Beach brought us sunshine. Not too long after we arrived at the hotel we took note.,…. Curt is ready. Silver bracelet is on. Sending him down a day early was a good call. Go Mary!
Soon, for the first time in the four visits I have had in PCB I found myself training… not tapering…. not loosening…. but training. Just a run, an easy run. I was the girl all you Florida Ironman athletes saw smiling and waving at all of you. The obnoxious girl running in her skirt while you were all dressed in arm warmers and mittens. It's 75 degrees people! Yesterday I was dressed in full on winter weather gear!
For the first time in a long time I am at an Ironman race and I am not racing an Ironman. It feels so weird.
This was the reason why I wanted to qualify early for Cheatwater 70.3 2009. (Sorry Rachel… I couldn't resist). If I qualified in Austin, then I would not sign up for Ironman Florida 2009. Really, it was the only way to prevent this from happening.
I have already thought about how it would be possible to do the double. My new coach however thwarted this idea quickly. Genius she is!
This evening we played on the beach and in the ocean. One of my athletes Kim and her boyfriend Jake joined the Eggers family for a round of mini golf. Then another one of my guys, Jay joined us all for some ice cream. It was good to have the peeps together. Everyone is ready. Everyone is ready to go.
Friday is Halloween. Danni and Marit arrive and tomorrow evening we swim in the ocean. We will show up at the Gilmore Girl's Memphis house on surf drive for trick or treats too!
A week of family and friends. Now really, does it get any better than this??????
I will have pictures tomorrow. Internet in PCB seems spotty this weekend! So does cell service. Until then there are bikes to be cleaned, bags to be numbered and memories about to be made. And of course, good scares!
Posted by Mary Eggers at 9:32 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
But you know what I long for? I long for someone to just get it.
I long for someone to just take it as it is. People believe that I am not able to rest. That I am not able to lie on the couch and watch TV, that I have a complete inability to put my feet up. That my head is swirling a thousand times a minute and I just can not stop.I don't even try to explain it.
This is my life.
This is what I do.
I am an athlete.
I LOVE TO TRAIN.
A 2 hour run for someone who does not train as much as I do is going to sound completely insane. A 2 hour run for someone who has trained 15-20 hours per week for the better part of 10 years, it is a walk in the park. A 2 hour run is not at mach speed. It's at e pace. It's like walking easy for walkers. I can do it when I am sick. I can do it when I am well. Because I am a superstar? No! Because I am accustomed to it. My body is used to it. It does not hurt to run two hours. It used to. It used to hurt a whole heck of a lot.
But fitness is an interesting thing. It is bankable. It is progressive. It has cycles. There are peak weeks and there are recovery weeks where the body absorbs the heavy load. The people who are out there grinding out the same week, same workouts, same intensity all the time without a proper progression are the ones who get hurt, the ones who get burned out and the ones who don't make progress.
I am a thrill seeker.
I love the excitement of the gun firing. I love the energy of running into a shark infested ocean with 2000 people. I love the feeling of jumping on my bike and riding with my heart on the handlebars. It strips away the layers, it strips away my story. It puts me face to face with me.
I love running stride by stride with someone and never saying a word. I love in my yoga practice when I can feel the energy of the people around me. Like our breath is one breath. Like our movements are one movement. Like the joy and the pain and the ups and the downs are combined into one.
It puts me face to face with me. It's not a form of self sabotage. If I can't do it, I don't. It's a form of therapy. I think a bout a lot during these miles. I create during these miles. I spend time with me during these miles. And I dream about a lot during these miles.
So what is my dream? My dream is always the same. The last 30 seconds of every single race. Especially the Ironman. In the Ironman the finish line looks packed with people in stands on either side of me. It's my very own red carpet. I can see the hands waving, I slap hands as I run down the chute, I feel the excitement, I relish in the energy. But each time I hear nothing. And it always happens in slow motion for me. It is my moment of glory. The moment that answers the questions … am I fit enough? Am I strong enough? Do I believe enough in me?
Can I stand on my own feet and can I completely occupy my own skin and love what I feel?
What do I have inside of me and am I willing to be torn completely apart to find out?
Do I have that much courage?
It brings to light the moments during the year of preparation…… the rides in sub zero temperatures, the runs on pure ice. The workouts that have been so hard and so hot that my cloths get strewn all over the lawn and I lay in a bathtub of ice and I love what I feel.What do I feel? The absolute purest most vivid feeling of being alive.
I admit, sometimes people can find that by reading a book. Some people can find that by going for a walk. I can actually do that as well. But nothing, absolutely nothing can make me feel every inch of myself like a finish line.
It's been in the pool, on a bike, and through trails and woods and streets that I have found everything I have needed to find in my life. I have found friends. I have found enemies. I have fallen in love, I have had my heart shattered out here and then I have gotten up and done it all over again. I have found sisters and brothers that I was not born with. I have found solitude and quietness in my brain.
I have dreamt big dreams and I have let go of unfulfilled ones. I have found health and I have even found illness. I have at times tried to outrun illness. And then I have found my way back again.
So this is my life. This is who I am. I am not running away from someone I wanted to be, I am not running towards someone I want to be.
I am not running from a problem or running for an answer.
I am stretching out my arms holding my head back and I am screaming as loud as I can.
I know that makes me scary. I would rather be thought of as someone who frightens people and someone who lives big and someone who is willing to risk her heart, risk her body and risk her soul....Than be thought of someone who had…. potential.
I am not sorry for that.
There are those who can't take it and they run. And there are those who can just take all of me and love me no matter what.NO MATTER WHAT.
I can not remember how the quote goes exactly or who it is by but here is what I truly, absolutely and whole heartedly believe……"When I die I do not wish to arrive at the gates in a pretty white dress with my hair perfect. I wish to skid in by my back wheel, bloodied and bruised to the bone screaming …… WOW……… what a ride."
Posted by Mary Eggers at 9:08 PM
The off-season has treated me well. Very well. I'm on week #4 and I have done..... a lot of nothing. Few swims, fewer bikes, and I got to start running this week. After the crash..... it's been a long time since I have run. Getting back to it, for a few minutes a day has been wonderful.
Yesterday I graduated from weekly chiropractor visits to bi weekly visits. Dr. Les commended me on my remarkable ability to take an off-season, and to allow things to heal.
Things happen for a reason and I truly hope the badness of 2008 is finally behind me. I feel in so many ways like I have climbed this giant mountain. I have climbed over the mountain. While it didn't seem so ginormous at the time, as I look back..... thing was freaking huge.
And I am not the only one who has endured her fair share of S*** this season. I have been thinking a lot about Elaine (Tri Girl Pink) these past few months. I've never met Elaine.... she's one of my creepy Internet friends. I have certainly never met Margret. But I have prayed for her, for them, for their families and for their pain.
The hardest part is to look at the pictures of Margret..... before she became sick. And that wasn't too long ago. Living the triathlon life, loving her new bike. She sounds just like us. Just like you and me smiling with friends and living it up. Setting goals and dreaming dreams.
When you watch people go through something like this..... it makes you look around and reach out for that squeeze, that hug, those words you never wait until it is too late to say. You really begin to forget about the small stuff.
There are a lot of unkind and negative people in this world. Experiences like this remind you that the evil people in this world.....they are as valuable as my trash.
This morning I assembled my bike after we dropped off Curt at the airport. It's snowing. I began to feel grouchy about the snow. Then I stood outside and let the snowflakes fall on my face. I reminded myself that snow is one of the small things.
And we know not to sweat those.
So Elaine, Margret, and to all of you, please know you are not in the hearts and prayers of so many today..... you have been for a long time. You will be forever. In those moments of desperation, those moments when you think help.... help..... help...... please know that in this instance, help is on the way. All you have to do is reach for it. She's around you. She's not in pain anymore. She's free and I know in my heart that she will be there to help you heal.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 5:12 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
As I sit here at Train-This Headquarters and look out the window I see the word DISMAL. Wind blowing, the threat of snow. Beautifully colored leaves but a grey grey sky. Dismal. In 2 days I will be on the beach.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 9:08 AM
Monday, October 27, 2008
Part of this year's journey, now that I have learned how to run, is to become a faster runner. You might remember that for the better part of 2 years my focus was on Ironman running, which meant E paced running as defined by the world's number one running Coach Jack Daniels.
What is all this V Dot talk? It's a system. It helps if you have a Garmin, but I advise you to not get a Garmin if you are freaked out by numbers or one of those people who gets obsessive about it. I am the type of athlete who can read and also ignore my Garmin without emotion. This thing could fall off of me and I would only be upset because it was expensive. By using it I have learned my paces. I am not defined by it.
So let us begin in the beginning. To understand the V dot system, actually to understand any training methodology you need to have a basic understanding of physiology and training. It's not that hard. There are a lot of great articles out there. There are a few who write in a fashion that is simple and to the point about the basics and even about more.
Chuckie V (some people disagree with this choice, but the guy is hilarious!)
The Science of Sport
And my favorite Jack Daniels. In fact here is a good article from a great site written by him:
What I do is I read an article, I put it away and I allow it to soak in. I often think about it during my next run or ride.
Back to V Dot. To oversimplify (understand by doing the reading, don't just go out and do something……) the process, you begin with a recent race time. For me…… a 5K.
21:10, somewhere around there. I will use this number because it's been where I have been running since the summer. This number gives me a V dot of 46. Based on this V dot JD set up paces for various runs. Now these names paces and definitions are designed by JD, as I will incorrectly reference them I am sure: (and here is a great site for V dot calculating). Important lesson here: never run at a V Dot you have not earned. Unless you want to be injured.
E pace; Easy pace. HR is 65-79% and quantity is lesser of 25% weekly mileage.
M Pace; Marathon Pace. HR is 80-90% and quantity is lesser of 90 minutes.
T pace: Threshold pace. HR is 88-92% lesser of 10% weekly mileage.
There are 2 faster paces, but we will save that for later.
My E pace is about 9:00-9:10 minute miles. When I first saw that I thought, holy cow, that's waaaay too slow! But I trusted it, I did it and I am able to run every single day at this pace. Running slower forced me to develop a higher cadence run, forcing me to land on my midfoot and forcing me to run more efficiently. When I run e pace I can sing happy birthday, I feel like I am going …. as Training Peaks would call it…. embarrassingly slow, best alone.
The benefits of running E pace are that you develop your aerobic foundation (that's putting it really really simply). You learn to run more efficiently. (Saves you $$ on Newtons) and by running more efficiently you will avoid injury. I can run E pace in my sleep, and when I am in pain. E pace is also the pace that many hold during an Ironman marathon. Rich Strauss and his friends have come up with what I think it a gorgeous system for power pacing on the bike and V dot pacing on the run for an Ironman!
Now….. of course if all you do is run E pace you will do nothing but run E pace. (Like me). Just as if I go out and run 6:45 miles for every run of every day I will get injured. During this phase of the year, during running camp, the goal is to build durability and endurance.
So I am officially in running camp. 30 runs in 30 days. All E pace. 90% of these runs are 30 minutes. The goal: to run every day. To do this requires a brutal sense of honesty with myself. I have that. I have been through enough injuries to know whether I should run through something or I should not. And not to worry I will keep you updated.
The real magic will come down the road. When the running foundation is super solid and we can get into T pace and even I pace runs. The E pace is the cake. A good solid chocolate cake. Those other paces are the icing.
Skeptical? Don't worry; it's worked for thousands of runners. It has worked for me for over a year. Now that the focused has shifted, we shift too.
Lastly……. what do you do if you don't have a Garmin? There are a few good systems based on heart rate, take a look around. The thing to remember is that one system doesn't work for everyone. Many opt for the no gadget at all system, which is a great system to follow! As I said before I happen to be someone who can be very causal about my gadgets. I can get lost in the pure beauty of a run through the forest and occasionally check my pace. I don't care how far I run I only care about time right now. If the battery dies the battery dies. Don't be owned by these things, you'll go mad.
These gadgets and numbers teach us how to read out bodies. They often time slow us down. I think the real magic in them is when you attain the same feeling without looking, and realize you nailed it. That right there is when you know you've got it!
So welcome to running camp. I am looking forward to the runs I will be doing in Florida. The sun, the warm, the sand. It's all good medicine.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 12:03 PM
Saturday, October 25, 2008
It happens when you've taken a proper off-season. You wake up in the morning in a sea of unstructure. Only faced with the challenge of no zeros for the week. You begin to reach for it again.
The season behind you is finally behind you. With all of it's glory and so much of it's heartbreak. Those are the lessons that make us stronger. We learn from tripping more than we learn from never falling down. Smiles replace tears as you recount what you remember of the concussion. The dazed and confused feeling finally shaken. The sorrow and grief of a life you loved so briefly healing. Slowly healing.
While I heard the rain falling on the roof I looked out the window and through the grey skies and the cold air I saw beauty. Leaves of all colors. Many on the ground. The inviting road. I don't' care how cold it is..... the road always seems to call me.
One bike on the trainer.... one still in the box..... another lent to a friend. Biking? Not just yet. I want to run. So I ran.
Just because I dream of the sun doesn't mean that wearing a skirt and a t shirt is warm enough when the thermometer reads 42 degrees. Then again, maybe it is? My first run back felt nothing short of glorious. It reminded me that the bad days remind me to treasure the good days.
What I treasure most however is the feeling. The feeling of beginning again. Yes it was hard this year but if it were easy would I even be here? Would it awaken that spirit within me that wants to know .... if I have what it takes?
I treasure the feeling of privilege, because this ability and how I define it is a privilege and not a right. I choose to do this, I was not drafted into any event. I choose to sign up with my own free will. Reminding myself of that makes it all feel richer. All feel sweeter.
I remember the excruciating pain I experienced after my bike crash on September 11th. I remember how hard it was to walk. I remember tears in Curt's eyes as he watched the train wreck finally happen.
I know that day happened for a reason. There were a lot of lessons to be learned this season and I will not forget them, even though they might not be defined today. I still learned and I still grew. I still was able to answer the call as to why I am even on this path to begin with.
I am here because I can be. I am here because I want to be. I am here because of those moments in training or in racing..... those moments when it becomes that hard. It becomes so hard that I begin to think....... help...... help...... help.
And then I realize one important thing. That help..... is not on the way. That this comes from me, a place deep within me. The place that wonders what if, the place that wonders if I can, if I have it anymore, if I am over or if I am just beginning again. I find that feeling of beginning again and I realize the person I think I am is no match for the one I truly am.
In 2002 I puked through 13 miles of Ironman Lake Placid. Curt would ride his mountain bike about 100 yards in front of me and clap as I stumbled by. He'd ride ahead again and clap while I stumbled by. I remember asking him to help me. Please anyone help me.
He smiled and he kept clapping. He said a very important thing to me. He said:
"Suck it up buttercup."
By not helping me he helped me. By not giving in he gave to me. By not allowing me empathy he made me find strength.
Remember ....... do not ever forget...... our sport is a metaphor for our life. Remember the first time you ran one mile and thought it was your last? Then you did it again. Then 2 then 3. remember that first contraction when you had your baby? You thought the world would end but you endured another and then another. Remember when you were rejected for a job or a relationship or (insert your experience here)....... and you kept coming back, kept looking, kept putting one foot in front of the other.
Because eventually..... eventually the steps would form a walk. And the walk formed a run. Somewhere in the midst of that run you felt it unlock inside of you. Like a gate was opened and you were set free. In this experience you learned what you couldn't' learn in Psychology 101.
You learned that you are never afraid to try. You learned you are not afraid to fail. You learned that failing happens, but losers never even try. You realized instantly which one you were.
You learned that you already.... right this very moment.... have everything you have ever needed in your life. The external goals....... were already inside of you. So you turned on the light and you let them shine out.
So you keep your shine on. Shine it brightly.
Remember..... it all begins with an urge.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 9:02 PM
Friday, October 24, 2008
01 Curt Eggers' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02 Curt Eggers counted to infinity - twice.
04 If you can see Curt Eggers, he can see you. If you can't see Curt Eggers you are only seconds away from being passed.
07 Curt Eggers built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Curt met all three bullets with his rock-hard abs, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 9:00 PM
Does that look say fall, or what? Too bad we will be trading it in a week for Panama City Beach. Nothing says it's Ironman Florida time like Halloween. You Memphis girls better have some trick or treats for a Scary Skeleton on Halloween!!!
- Drink one beer every day. And not crap beer. Guiness.
- Swim in the ocean every day
- play Frisbee on the beach with Luc
- boogie board with Luc.... hopefully surf. Nothing says NEW YORKER like sucking at surfing.
- Build ridiculous sandcastles
- Be a Mom, A Wife.... and what's Elizabeth call it..... Spectathlete?
I have to go prepare.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 4:59 AM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Posted by Mary Eggers at 6:51 AM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
One of my favorite off-season habits is looking for new blogs to add to my blog roll. I have found a most amazing one and here is a quote that encapsulates just about everything so many of us feel when we get into the water. Now my problem is...... I can't find the blog!
This is a great piece and is perhaps the most inspiring blog I have ever read. Please help me find him again!
"Quick: when was the last time you high-fived your Grandpa? Your mother? Your wife?
Not a hug, not an encouraging squeeze. A high-five. Containing a language all its own.
When bobbing around the water, waiting for the world to turn, with the music blaring and the crowds gathering and the mass of swimcaps all around - we are each of us a tiny universe. With a story, a purpose.
We each of us have somebody up there who's breath won't return until they see us safely out of the water. We each answer to something other than ourselves in answering why we are here. It is never a simple thing. And when you toe that line, in the instant before you step into the water to Take Your Mark, you are their ambassador. You represent everybody who believed, or doubted. Who showed up because of, or in spite of. You cross for everybody who hasn't crossed yet, who will one day, and who never would. And you can either pull that weight, or let it pull you.
Because if you know not suffering, or anger, or defeat; if you've never felt like you are more than who you are; if you've never asked yourself what you are truly made of - what absolutes live inside you, and resolved to discover what...well then, of course you'd never be interested in the first place.
It is a thing we all have in common out there - a determination, a requirement, to be Who We Are Instead.Yes, it is. It is that big of a deal. It is that hard. It really is. That's sort of the point.The rest are just details. The rest figures itself out. There's never a "good time". It's never going to ideally suit your universe.
You'll never think to yourself, "Geez, you know what I'm in the mood for? Madness."
It will always be hard, you will always have to work to find the balance, it will never make sense to everybody, often not even yourself. And that, too, is part of the journey, and part of the forging. If you have to talk yourself into it, then wait until your time comes. Until you're drawn in. Until the current takes you. But if you're just making excuses...well then. Life is short. Get in already."
So so so well said.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 2:41 PM
Posted by Mary Eggers at 8:29 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
Today is a good day. I think. I am so damn sleep deprived that when I tell myself it is a good day I believe it. But I could also tell myself just about anything right now and I'd believe it. Conversations with myself are fun.
Perhaps it was appropriate to unload the 83 pound bowling ball I have been carrying around with me ..... into blogland...... kind of send it out there...... because note to self: ut was a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy. Thank you so much for the hugs and support. I will never be able to convey to you how much it meant. Thank you isn't even enough.
Now.... let's review. Training is what we triathletes call exercise..... it's like our code word. It's like calling a runner a jogger. Training (exercise) reduces stress. Physiologically proven! So my two week break has officially ended. I have however been awake for over 24 hours and as fun as that has been.... it's not over just yet.
While there is also 2 weeks left in my official off season, I can return to activity .... today. With the lack of sleep due to work then sleep interrupted by meetings at school and a little one sent home with a fever + trip to the pediatrician + teaching 2 yoga classes this evening + a meeting with Ja Boon........ today was a functional strength training day for me.
I have done 100 mile rides after having been awake for 27+ hours..... Kelly B can attest to that. Calling it a magic carpet ride might not even do that justice. I'm half wondering if I should alert my yoga classes tonight that their super zen instructor has had so much coffee today, if she were drug tested she would prove to be positive for an illegal amount of caffeine. Nah..... I will let them enjoy the sleep deprived doped up version of me (which is code word for very hard class tonight gang...).
Tuesday will be my first run since Longhorn, which was my only real land run for a few weeks before that. My bike arrived safely last Friday and packed within was my new pair of running shoes, completely covered in dirt / mud from Texas.
Tomorrow morning in the crisp cold I shall run, and I can't wait. The cold air will feel good in my lungs. The pain is absent and I know it will remain so. The ground beneath my feet shall feel like home again.
I know that we would never understand what good days were unless we had bad ones. In many ways I am grateful for the tough days, the ones with my heavy heart. This way the small life that was only with us for those 9 short weeks is honored, respected and hopefully understands that it was so very loved.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 3:03 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Please forgive me, but today is a hard day.
I have debated on whether to write or not about this. It's not really a topic some would find appropriate for blogland..... maybe more appropriate for a therapist. But what if I can say something that you can identify with, maybe you have been through this same thing? What if you have felt this sort of pain?
I write because it is what I do. It's who I am, it's how I express myself. I write because we are all in this together, in reality.
As I look back on my 2008 season I am proud of what I accomplished. I overcame many things and I kept my spirit high. I fought through a lot. I endured a lot. I also encountered the heartbreak of my life. It's taken me almost 3 months to come to terms with it, and I can't even say that I have come to terms with it. It's been hard on my heart. Hard on my mind.
Two days after Ironman Lake Placid I learned that I was pregnant. Yeah, I was just as shocked as you are.
8.5 weeks to be exact.
Surprise and happiness were very short lived as we soon determined this pregnancy wasn't viable. We had to end it on July 31st which was absolutely, unequivocally the worst and most painful day of my whole entire life.
As I thought back on the previous eight weeks, so many things had made sense that I had simply overlooked. The way I felt. Missing periods. But honestly sometimes that rolls into Ironman training.
I remembered how horrible and flat I felt at Quakerman. How tired I was at camp.
And I was horrified that I had done all of this training, all of this to my body while I was carrying a child. Training was not the reason this pregnancy wasn't going to make it. But I will always wonder.
How could I not know I was that far along?
Well, now for the second time in my life I have made it possible for birth control to say that it is 99% effective. Plus with my history periods aren't always regular. Ironman training makes you tired. Sure I was more tired than normal but ..... I had done 2 IM's in a year.
The guilt, the horror, the pain and the heartbreak were so overwhelming. They still are. The only one who can even possibly understand what this has felt like.... is me. I have shared with some, some of you. Sometimes it is just about letting it out. You can only carry around so much pain. But it's been like a weight I carry all alone. All by myself.
I layed on the couch and stared at the ceiling for almost 2 weeks during that time. All I could do was cry. My training, moving is what has helped me the most. It goes back to what I was talking about the other day. Moving.... exercise has "proven physiological benefits". It gave me fresh air. It gave me a place to be. It gave me a place to cry because in all honesty...... crying is what helps in times like these.
I can't erase it. I can't erase the pain. Some days are good days. Other days.... the days when I think..... what if..... what if..... what if...... who was this little person...... what would they have been like...... those are the days that rip me up. That pull my heart right through my body and throw it on the ground.
The physical pain of the whole experience was shattering. And as shattering as that was it was pale in comparison to the pain I carry around right now in my heart.
That was why I was so intent on going to Texas, despite having crashed my bike. Despite all I have been through. I needed a get away. I needed the sun. I needed to be with friends. I needed a starting line, I needed a finish line. Every step along the way I thought about the baby I lost. A girl.... a boy...... who they could have been and what they could have been. What I could have done differently.... and while they tell me there was nothing..... I will always wonder.
In many ways it was therapeutic for me to go to Texas. In all honesty I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and cry myself to death. It was actually in all honesty the one and only time in my life where I thought..... I wish I was dead.
Then, my seven year old little boy came up to me on the last day that I was on the couch. He asked me if I wanted to shoot hoops with him outside. I said yes, primarily because I felt so guilty for what he had been witnessing, and for trying so hard to keep it all in.
We went outside and we shot hoops. For over an hour. I don't think we said anything. But every time we made baskets we'd high five.
Of every single person in my life, Luc is who helped me the most through this painful experience. He didn't say anything magical, and while he didn't know what was going on.... he knew something was wrong. He got me outside, and he got me moving. He couldn't say anything to take away the pain and the heartache and the feeling of sadness. He couldn't do one single thing.
But be there. Spend time with me. Enjoy the moment. Be a family. And I coudln't allow the pain I was feeling, am feeling..... to cause me to overlook the one most magical thing I have right in front of me. My son.
I learned that you don't always have to say something to help someone through a tragedy. You can send flowers and say words...... but nothing replaces hugs. Nothing replaces time spent with someone you love.
They say this kid has problems. They are trying to tell me he is learning disabled.
I think this is a kid who lives from his heart. I think this is a kid who knows how to live authentically. I think this is a kid who knows the true meaning of love.
Love, that's what is ultimately going to heal this pain.
Posted by Mary Eggers at 9:03 AM
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Posted by Mary Eggers at 6:33 AM
Friday, October 17, 2008
The small goals: these goals are almost my weekly goals and they change all of the time. They help in attaining my medium goals which help me attain my big goals. For example my goals for this wee were:
- Practice yoga every day as I continue my off season
- Good Nutrition (adhering to TriGirl Pink's challenge)
- Get enough rest
- No structured training. Walk and relax.
I have laid out my Annual Training Plan (ATP) and began to structure my basic week. I have configured my four weeks of transition period to begin on November 3rd. I have penciled in some test dates beginning in December. The protocol I will be using for test sets and my tentative progression has been printed out. My new daily log has been created as well.
I have to admit that I am really excited to see what I can do with myself. I am really excited for the opportunity. My continued rehabilitation is going really well, I am down to once a week at the chiropractor, I am at a level 1 pain (I can't believe this has lasted a month.... which is really short when it comes to injuries actually....) and next week I shall go for 3 short runs!!!!!
Posted by Mary Eggers at 11:55 AM
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Posted by Mary Eggers at 10:08 PM
Monday, October 13, 2008
Posted by Mary Eggers at 11:40 AM