Shattered

Sometimes I use a training session or my yoga practice to wrap my head around something seemingly impossible. More often than not I do that. In my line of work I see the unthinkable, I bear witness to the unimaginable, and recently there was a day where just that happened.

One night a week I am a pediatric emergency nurse. Things are crazier than you think here in Rochester NY, and people use the Emergency Dept for more things than you'd imagine. From stuffy noses to all out trauma, I have literally seen it all. Amputated arms, death, thrush. Name it I have been there.

Sometimes at night I like to play a game. When there are more nurses than patients on duty I declare that we have "won". We don't "win" often, but when it happens it is just nice.

On a recent night a single mother brought her young son in with a tummy ache. He was under five years old with eyes as bright as the sky and hair that made you think he belonged on a surf board. Of all things he deal with the most I would declare abdominal pain and difficulty breathing as our two top issues. So a tummy ache was just up my alley.

While I wasn't his nurse I was very aware of his care. Typically we look for things like appendicitis of gastroenteritis. When things point in the direction of an appy or don't seem to be clear, we will send the patient for a CT.

This darling little boy despite his pain was a ham. He giggled, he wiggled, he made his mommy smile. He drank the CT contrast and did throw some up when I happened to walk by. I told mom that he had drunk enough and disposed of the rest, declaring it was fine to do so. I noticed her eyes full of hope and love for this boy.

Thirty minutes later I was staring at the CT of the little boy with tears in my eyes. I looked over to their room, through the glass they were snuggled together in the stretcher watching the movie Cars. Maybe he was telling her what he wanted to ask Santa for. Tears rolled down my face and the faces of my colleagues. Our attending took a deep breath and walked into their room, closing the glass door behind him. As he sat down I knew what was happening.

The CT showed a large mass in the boy's belly, known most commonly as a neroblastoma. To the layman we can say a big tumor in the stomach, and this type was not good. I watched as the wave of doom crashed upon this single mother and her little boy. Replacing Christmas wishes and sledding downhill, would be surgeries, chemotherapy and a small hope of survival.

It wasn't good.

I remember afterwards as my eyes locked with the mothers, I just wanted to hand her my life and everything that was good in it. She didn't ask for this. He did nothing wrong and here they were now with a time line and hope shattered. Lives shattered in three hours.

And here I was worrying about my latest workout or what to buy my family for Christmas. This just might very well be this family's last Christmas.

The past few days this boy has been on my mind and in his prayers. Something his Mother told me is also sticking with me "God gives us only what we can handle." Why does she have to "handle" this? Why can't she handle a vibrant boy and "handle" roughhousing in the kitchen and "handle" him eating cookie dough.........

We are all so very blessed to be where we are in our lives. W have all overcome our own set of hurdles, or are overcoming them as we speak. I think what we need to remember is that when we are given things to "handle" we should not handle them alone. There is a world of love out there and any problem in the world can be handled with love.

At least that's what I came up with during my 2 hour ride this afternoon. We don't have all the answers, especially to what is fair and what is not fair. But we do have love. And no matter how big or horrendous the mountain seems, we do not have to climb it alone.

:-) Mary Eggers