Recovery

The wind is howling outside, the temperature is zero and the wind chill negative double digits. Rather than price treadmills this morning I spent 2 hours on the computrainer improving my cadence. I could get used to not riding in the garage.

I am speaking to a group of about 200 students at SUNY Geneseo this Thursday evening, something I have done for three years now. We gather on a Thursday evening and I tell the story of my eating disorder, and now of my recovery. I am very blessed to be able to get up and speak about this, as I feel incredibly passionate about giving back and helping those who also suffer from this.

Yesterday I was asked my my wonderful friend Carla to come and teach Yoga at an eating disorder program in town, as she knows yoga was is my mainline to recovery. Apparently the program knew who I was from someone who had practiced yoga with me, and I felt very emotional about the connection. What an honor.

I don't have the answer to recovering, and I get asked quite often "What did you do to recover?"
There is no magic bullet, no switch to flip inside my brain. In fact I had to completely let go of any control of it that I wanted to have. I fell, I stood up, I fell again. I got up again. I fell again and I fell harder, I got up. And I continue to fall. I also continue to keep getting up.

I place the power of this illness in something bigger than me. For different people that can mean different things, but it is bigger than we are.

I practice yoga every single day, whether it be for 5 minutes or an hour and fifteen minutes. This is the hardest part of my recovery to explain. I can't articulate what my yoga practice does for me, except that it frees my mind, and strengthens my body. It brings me focus in all aspects of my life. As a Mom, a coach, a triathlete..... everywhere. It has stopped the hamster wheel that revolves in my mind, it has halted the mental chaos....... it has brought stillness to me.

I think finding the key to recovery is allowing yourself to step outside of yourself. To reach beyond you, to ask for help, to accept help. To admit you can't do this alone. I have never successfully trotted on the recovery path alone. It has taken a village so to speak.

Keeping my recovery paths open and flowing has been the "it" for me. Yoga, meditation, multisport, being a Mom, and having a good support network to tap into. That's what has helped me stay on this path.

I can't guarantee that I will remain on this path. I want to, and I know to stay on the path I must always do the things I do. If I stop one the rest could fall apart. I have to maintain this balance, it is a comfortable balance.

As I walk this path of recovery I am thankful every single day to have found my health again. Eating disorders are incredibly difficult to understand. Most people believe it to be about vanity and weight, which could not be further from the truth. Each of us has our own demons and our own battles to face. This is mine.

Part of my recovery is sharing my story, reaching out to others who are experiencing this issue, and doing what I can to help them find their way onto the path of recovery. I speak to a lot of groups and I answer a lot of emails on this subject. I desperately want to have the magic answer, but I do not.

What I do have is understanding. I know why those who are afflicted with eating disorders ... are. And I believe through communication, and through movement, we can all heal, together.

:-) Mary Eggers