change of plan
It's been a busy week, but that's the theme of my life lately. December 4th it will stop. Halt, and slow the heck down for a very long time. Perhaps it's my workaholic personality that causes me to pile my plate sky high. This week I was presented with yet another business opportunity that.... because of my schedule..... I almost turned down. I have been turning down a lot of things and a lot of athletes lately. Seems like my business wants to boom and because of time..... I can't pursue what I love.
I love working with athletes. I love working with people. I love working together towards something.
Instead of saying no to that opportunity...... I said yes. But can you wait until December? Because in December we are making changes.
The bigger incident was with my son and his specialist. I am so lucky to have an amazing husband who goes above and beyond so that I can be in grad school. And I mean above and beyond. When Luc and I were at his specialist this week, he was guiding Luc through some mental imagery. He asked Luc where he was imagining himself to be at the moment.
"I'm with my Mom, and she does not have to study. I miss her."
Stop. Halt. Whoa. Brakes on.
When you become a parent.... your heart lives on the outside of you. You think you know what love, fear and pain are. Then you have your child. In that instant, the instant their first breath is taken you realize that what you thought you knew what a fraction of what was about to hit you. Every emotion about love, pain, fear....... multiply that by about a billion and then have it punch you in the stomach. It takes your breath away and gives you depth to your soul you never knew you had.
What am I doing??? What am I doing????? I thought that to myself over and over and over as I sat in class the next day. At that moment I should have been outside with Luc. He's only 8 years old. These are the critical years. EVERY year is a critical year. I don't want to send him to college wishing I had these 3 years back. I only get to do this once. My graduate school advisor told me that his daughter said to her friends one day "I haven't seen my Dad since I was 11 because he is in school so much.". He thought that was hilarious. I thought it was frightening. That won't be me.
In December I will close the book on Pathophysiology and I will postpone my Masters degree. Maybe for 10 more years. I can't think of anything right now.... anything that is more important than being a Mom. I have a child with special needs and I need to do my job. My first job is MOM. Not being a grad student. Not right now.
Life is too short to be living on this schedule. So in December I put my studies on hold. I bring my most important job as Mom to the front and center. Train-This gets to continue to grow..... I am getting back to all of those people I said no to over the past 8 weeks and I am telling them.... let's do it. From camps to athletes to writing. WHY AM I NOT DOING MORE OF WHAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO DO????????????????????????????????????????????????
Thank God this came right here and right now. What was I thinking? Sometimes we get so caught up in programs and goals and where we think we need to be that we overlook what's right in front of us.
I hope Luc is ready..... because come December he will be getting really really sick of me. And when he is that freshman in college feeling homesick, these are the days he will look back on and smile.
5 comments:
Very cool, Mary.
My mom got a masters when she was 70 yo. Maybe you wont postpone it that long, but if you do, who cares? :)
you know, Mary, this is the BEST post you have written. It is such a huge issue with a lot of us moms...and business owners, workaholic types. I have SAID NO more recently than I have had to in a long time. I almost thought....what am I doing?? And, you are right, a lot of it is more Tri writing, more traveling, more local clinics and swim coaching...stuff I like to do but always say NO b/c I want to train myself and be mom - a PRESENT mom - and a good friend, wife, etc...
Just yesterday the kid's got their mid-term grades/progress. Graham's teacher wrote, "HE is doing SO well....completely plugged in and has grown so much since he was in 1st grade." Graham is 7. Last year we had a lot of him messing around and doing boy stuff in school. SO, Jerome and I made a HUGE effort to stay connected. Play more games. Get him involved in a huge travel soccer team, which is a ton more driving and games than the little local team, but we felt he needed that sense of "team" and an outlet for his competitiveness in a healthy way. HE IS THRIVING. HE is doing so well...a totally different boy.
So, whatever I have said NO to in the past, you are right, IS so worth it. We re-grouped this summer and it is paying off in spades now. And, now I can say yes and re-prioritize and do more of the things I said no to, as long as we are re-checking our priorities and kid's progress, it will all work out ok!
My goal from day #1 is to be home for the kids. take them to school, go to see them sometimes at school for lunch, volunteer a little in their rooms, pick them up EVERY day after school. I am doing all of that and working full time (like you) and training a ton... b/c like you, these days are short. My kids will be 8 in January, that is less than 10 years they will be home and honestly, how many more years until they are gone with their friends all the time? Just a few!
Clearly this hurt a nerve with me! hee hee yay for luc!
PS and I would be remiss if I did not mention how great Jerome is too - and does a ton around here.
Bravo on a hard decision!! I think for moms that do it all, it is even harder to say no, and really pick and choose the things we want to do. But when it comes right down to it, your heart will tell you which way to go.
Luc will be so thankful and you will never regret it!
You are such a good mom! :)
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