full circle

Ahhhh, it's a beautifully grey fall day here in Upstate NY. As things are heating up over in Hawaii (GOOD LUCK FRIENDS!) I am surprisingly content.... to be right here. I've been there a few times, it's beautiful..... but I am glad to be at home with my guys. Healthy and happy. I have my own competitions coming up, the ones that become my own Hawaii.

As I have aged I have taken complete focus off of others, who to beat, who is faster.... who's this person, where are they racing...... I have brought it to myself. As far as I am aware I might be the only one racing in Clearwater. There would have been a day when I would have looked and researched, but frankly I just don't care. That day is between me, myself and I. My energy will be focused on executing the race I have been preparing for. And the work that I have put in.

You've got to find what motivates you do go forward, to get out of bed at early o'clock. It might be the person in your lane, it might be getting on a podium, or it might be your very own internal performance.

What does it mean ...... to you?

To me it means accomplishing what I personally can accomplish. I know my performance indicators. I have a coach and a team that believes in me. The most important key factor and person in all of that however is the girl in the mirror.

The girl who knows that she is in fact capable. Who knows there are people who doubt her. Who actually get a little bit miffed when she does well. She smiles because that fuels her fire. She thought abut that when she broke 5 again. She did think about that as she stood atop the podium again. What she thought about more however is the power of the positivity in her life, the people who understand her competitive drive, who allow her to be herself..... who she can be herself with.

The ones who she shares silly text messages and crazy emails with. The ones who don't take it personally when she hits the wall first or smashes your time. Who celebrate with and who never ever ever laugh or take pride in her defeat.

A year ago I sat and had coffee with a girl who lives down the road from me. It was the day I understood true evil was masked behind the face of a friend. I had just been through a grade 3 concussion and a miscarriage and she laughed about it to me and said she was sorry, and laughed again. Her husband attempted to apologize for her...... "Sometimes she says things..... and all I can say to her is..... I want to throw you in a garbage can....." It's those times that nothing speaks louder than words do. I had actually met pure evil. (And a year later...... karma is presently taking care of her).

That moment changed everything for me. Everything.

I looked around and saw who what and where and I made big changes that day. One year later I am thrilled with where I am. Surrounded by goodness. Good supportive positive people and athletes. My husband and my son continue to be my armor. I have grown into my own warrior.

I am healthy. Happy, strong. Chasing the dreams that I believe in and not giving time or energy to those who don't believe.

We can carry that or we can move on. People will do many strange and sick things to try to prevent you from reaching a dream, because they are unhappy in their own lives.

So on this grey fall day I feel sunshine. I feel happiness. I feel love. I feel like I have come full circle in the past year. Trust me I know what it is like to struggle, to not believe to wonder if it will ever get better...... and trust me that does not even involve triathlon...... I know what it feels like.

I know that time and love and patience heals. I know that encircling yourself with good ..... works.

I am a far cry from where I was a year ago. I wouldn't be here right now had it not been for then. I would have not realized pre evil lured so close to me if she hadn't laughed that way...... I would have never realized that everything I needed...... was actually right here the whole time.